clouds away

seasons

2011-10-06T17:24:00.002-05:00

dear reader,

this blog has served me well over the past few years.

but life moves and changes. and so have i.

time for something new.

thanks for reading.

see you on the other side :)

bvp

2011-07-25T00:46:00.000-05:00

i like to fancy myself a wanderer- though i suppose i haven't always thought as such. after the first grade, our family couldn't seem to stay in one place long enough for me to keep friends longer than one year. at first, i hated the constant change, the insecurity, the inability to trust anyone but myself. but somewhere along the way i grew to love it- need it- rely on it as my very breath. we were nomads, keeping to our own quiet ways, spinning stories and dreaming dreams. each new territory was a new opportunity, a white canvas, a blank page begging to be colored by my already ink-stained hands.

there is, at once, a feeling of exhilaration and a sense of peace every time i embark on a new adventure. i climb into the passenger seat, rest my chin on the edge of the window, and watch the power lines dance across the sky.

and suddenly i'm eight again. spinning stories. dreaming dreams.

letting go

2011-05-21T14:07:00.002-05:00

i know now the decision was for the best. it’s been years since we were happy. it was time to move on. so it surprises me when i still catch myself thinking of you. it mostly comes at a reminder of what we once shared: a funny article written by allison brie, an awe-inducing video of the Local Natives, a minimalistic Nixon backpack, the new Bon Iver… all a part of me, but also a part of us. and i wonder if these things are all still a part of you.

i don’t miss you in an i still want you way. i miss you in a you enhanced my life way. because years from the moment we first met, i don’t remember or long for the kisses, the seemingly-too-short nights, the fights, the make-ups, the holding hands, the attraction, the “love”.. but i miss the stupid videos only we found funny. i miss the quotes, the inside jokes, the looks, the impressions, the laughs. i miss bagel bites, chipotle, and jamba juice. i miss your particularities and ocd tendencies. how you always scolded me for unknowingly draining my macbook battery or for not taking out my contacts early enough. i miss forcing you to take walks along the lake with me, and how much you hate the rain.

but most of all, i miss the music.

to this day, i have yet to meet someone to experience music like you do. you changed the way i listen to music - forever - and i miss the way you used to open my eyes and ears and soul to something you found extraordinary. you taught me to discover it for myself and in the moments when i sit, moved to tears by something so beautiful, i wish for that moment when i turn around to see you with that huge knowing grin on your face, and we sit together not saying a word, letting the music wash over us and fill us and overflow in and around every part of our being.

but now that it’s all said and done, i can say i am glad for the time our lives intersected - if only for a brief moment in time. i can continue on my own path with my eyes a little more open to experience all this world has to offer.. and that is a beautiful thing indeed. i hope you are still making music. and though i miss the half-bashful, half-can’t-wait-to-show-you-how-awesome-this-is way in which you would approach me with your latest song, the stillness and fullness of the moment in which you would begin to play, how you never failed to move me with the intricacies of your words and melodies, how proud i always was - and am - of your incredible talent… i want you to know that no matter what the world tells you on your imminent rise to success, you changed and moved this little heart with the music you create.

i am so glad you are happy. thank you for letting me go and giving me the freedom to find happiness for myself. i hope you stay happy. i hope you are loved. and i hope you continue to inspire.

love

2011-02-04T15:56:00.002-06:00

i put as much as i can into so few words

take the blame with a smile

and a simple okay

love let me

let you go

let us die

let you live

edges

2011-01-25T00:35:00.007-06:00

i woke up this morning with the shape of you left

on the side of my bed reserved for dreaming

you were turned away so i kissed your neck

before i realized you were running

back to one

and now the clouds are falling in icy puddles around our feet

your lips are cold and then they're crumbling

you say : "i have to stay. i told them i was going to see her tonight"

and i want to cry but i say : "okay" and we fake love until sunrise

too soon i feel you slip away, so i close my drying eyes, release a pent-up sigh

and crawl over to the side of my bed reserved for dreaming

the beginning

2011-01-04T02:37:00.002-06:00

lets go back to the beginning

your eyes, familiar / your words, captivating
the snow was falling all around
and you kissed me like they do in the movies

- the ones who were really in love
we danced and fell in each other's arms when the sun shone
and we stayed in to learn the other's features when it rained
we laughed our way to sleep
you sang your soul's secrets and i let you see my shadows
no one had ever seen me like you did
and our whispers ushered in the mornings

but our goodbyes were never meant to be farewells

and if this were a movie, you'd be saying hello

and the more you forgot me, the more i remembered

the very beginning

and how the snow was falling all around

2010-12-22T14:19:00.001-06:00

To be an artist comes at great sacrifice. To relive old heartbreaks, reopen old wounds, re-experience old pain - all for the sake of turning it into something beautiful. We can only hope the end result makes all the brokenness worthwhile.

101

2010-12-05T16:34:00.001-06:00

there's glitter on the freeway
walls between the seats
pebbles in my pockets
feathers on your feet

fade

2010-11-20T13:23:00.001-06:00

memories like colours in my mind
only the bright ones remain

but even yellow is a fade

when words are not enough

2010-11-05T15:06:00.005-05:00

it's a wave
rolling over me - strong like the pacific
pulling me deep into it's soul
all my senses are taken
and suddenly i'm gasping for air
i'm tasting the salt - awash from my blinded eyes
the sound echoes and reverberates
through my entire body and heart and soul
and i'm full. full to overwhelming. full to bursting. full to release.
and i'm laughing. i'm laughing... im free.

But what I should have said was...

2010-10-23T12:53:00.000-05:00

You scare me. You scare me because I'm discovering your secrets while simultaneously feeling like I've known you forever. You scare me because I want to tell you everything and anything and nothing all at the same time. You scare me because I want so badly to be known by you.. and you scare me because you have the potential to make me happy but you're more likely to break my heart. You're too big a risk... and you make me speechless.

fallen

2010-10-19T19:37:00.005-05:00

letters_fall_to_pieces_all_around_me
their____dance___is______deceiving
&_______________i'm________fallen
under____their__crushing____weight

lack of music here

2010-10-04T22:37:00.003-05:00

We drive along careless roads. I feel empowered - in part because riding in this truck makes me feel tall. And in part because riding next to you makes me feel high. I smile a secret to myself, letting it seep slowly into the darker places. For once, I feel this is something good. And now I smile for you. ...and you smile back.

lack of feeling

2010-10-04T20:44:00.001-05:00

monday nights, there's a club downstairs. the bass booms through the floorboards and the people laugh and laugh and laugh. but i curl up in my feathers and clothes and use the beat to drown out the noise. it's chaos. it's chaos. and it's welcome.

Lately

2010-10-03T16:02:00.001-05:00

There's salt on everything I own
And my eyes are tired with the effort

whenever

2010-10-02T03:55:00.001-05:00

i still sleep in your old t-shirt
its the only thing about you i still recognize

semantics

2010-09-27T21:43:00.001-05:00

i thought it was "loving you"
but it was really just "using me"

for a through e

2010-09-18T22:21:00.006-05:00

she believes in love with all her heart
she revels in stories of romance and beauty
she trusts in the goodness of people
she lives inspired by the grand and small
she is blind to others' imperfections
she loves them all the same
she is beauty, life, and wonder
she deserves the world and more

she settles for less than all she deserves
she looks in the mirror and sees only imperfection
she cannot see the way he treats her
she always loves him all the same
she sleeps desiring not to wake
she struggles to comprehend the lack of goodness of people
she believes herself undeserving of romance and beauty
she is afraid to love with half a heart

the last time

2010-08-23T03:04:00.005-05:00

the last time i saw you, you left me with a quick kiss to the forehead and not a single backwards glance. that was you, though - always looking for the next big thing, the next exhilarating addiction... and by this time, i expect you had already found something new.

so you left me with the scent of cigarettes and shampoo, a dozen half-written lyrics and a half-dozen rhymes, a few happy memories and even more less so, kicked back covers, half of a heart, and the quickly fading impression of a kiss that said so much by meaning so little.

2010-08-16T02:36:00.002-05:00

your eyes blink blank
your lips hesitate
you're so unreliable in
your undeniable

For Remembrance - Pt 1

2010-08-08T17:13:00.002-05:00

Do you remember the first time we met?

I noticed you the very moment you walked in. You were wearing that hat you never wear anymore. And you were smiling. Your eyes caught mine for just a second, and it was all I needed to know you were it.

Is it possible to know in an instant if Some One… is The One?

We didn’t meet then, but we met by chance later that evening. I was flustered - you made me nervous and excited all at once - and you made fun of me. I wondered if you felt the same jolt of electricity I felt every time our eyes met. I had never met anyone like you.

From that moment on, we were together. If not in person, in thought and heart. We were magnets, continually being drawn into each other. And throwing logic to the wind, you took my hand and we jumped, falling fast, love-blind into the unknown. It was exhilarating, frightening, and I wanted nothing more than to stay there - in free-fall with you forever.

I want you to remember… because to me, nothing else matters. Yes, we were young then, and we knew nothing. But that truth I felt the first time our eyes met is still alive and well and growing within me. It’s real - and it’s all that I need.

untitled

2010-07-26T01:33:00.003-05:00

just tell me i was right, honey

that you still believe in fate

and holding hands

i'd love to see you write again, honey

about things you used to know

and all the things i don't

and lately i've been blaming myself, honey

how all this careful thought has left you stoic

and all this tender's made you tough

*italicized taken from Keaton Simon's "Unstoppable"

oh five at quarter to

2010-07-21T18:07:00.004-05:00

we'll drive into

strings of Christmas lights

so bright

they threaten to take down the night

send it toppling down upon us

while the air grows thin

but i'd be content

to spend forever

in this cave of starry night

with you

2010-07-20T18:26:00.001-05:00

more than enough

little secrets

2010-06-30T17:55:00.002-05:00

i'm four again.

stacking blocks as high as the ceiling. the ceiling that's two feet tall. the ceiling that's as high as the sky. the ceiling that's always one block away from being reached. before the blocks come tumbling down. falling in slow motion. like paper airplanes. and heart whispers. and little secrets. they fall at my feet for my hands to catch again.

each time harder than the last.

but i'm stubborn.

In Christ Alone

2010-06-27T15:31:00.002-05:00

My favorite song. The song of my salvation.

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
‘Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
‘til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand

fragile

2010-06-10T13:58:00.001-05:00

and when the world feels like a tablecloth

pulled from underneath your glass feet

concentrate on the yellow lines

striking the pavement in alternating rhythm

keeping time with your heavy heart

preventing an inevitable collapse

stubborn stain

2010-06-08T12:10:00.003-05:00

you say: i don't know you

i say: i don't like this part

tripping in before stumbling out

a tangled mess of legs and heart

Oil and Water

2010-06-03T02:09:00.000-05:00

It once ran strong - coursing, pulsating, breathing, alive through his veins - the steady pulse only quickened by the occasional brush of her arm against his. She always pulled away sharply, as roses bloomed at her cheeks. It was his favorite picture of her.

They only had one song, but it didn't seem to matter. They could always change the words, or perhaps discover a delightful harmony. If he held her hand, she would fold secrets of creation into them - honest love notes written in simplicity. They were inspiring, refreshing, wide-eyed and beautiful - just like her.

And as the first flakes of snow boldly announced Winter's imminent arrival, his lips became acquainted with hers beneath a canopy of trees - naked branches their only witnesses.

She would always think with her heart, but rationale was neither his forte. So they fell fast, blind but laughing, his callused fingers wrapped tightly around her delicate own, forgetting to remember sometimes fate holds an ending other than "happily ever after".

...

It runs thick, like oil - black, like tar. Tendrils of smoke form dirty clouds, choking the roses in her blushing cheeks - the picture once held so dear, now smudged and blackened to unrecognizable. Her tears carve hesitant paths through the muddy grey, but they fall mute, directionless. The path through the glass is old and marked with endless journeys, all incomplete, their explorers whispering final prayers as hope bleeds into the thirsty, cracked earth.

But she desires naked branches and heart-shaped leaves. Blushing ambitions and a single soundtrack to usher in sleep. She wishes for his blood to run clear, a pulsing river through his veins - the sound, a rushing waterfall carving assured paths through mountains.

Then: she will take his hand, fade scars with a kiss. And they will find a new song to sing - their harmony, a waterfall.

Age

2010-05-31T09:39:00.001-05:00

The shadows grow tall

And the circles settle in

Weary to the bone

Sewing feathers to our skin

she and him

2010-05-22T10:09:00.002-05:00

he blindly stacks

shivering in his glassy case

she fogs the glass

erasing icy fingers of lace

but for tonight

2010-05-16T00:19:00.003-05:00

but for tonight...

i think i'll play my favorite song

fall asleep to the sound of tires kissing pavement

wake palm to palm, fingers interlaced

breathe and release

"nature's got a heart shape"

2010-05-13T13:46:00.002-05:00

The leaves act like birds

Painted on the sidewalk

Caught in misshapen captive flight

The pebbles freeze

in a dewy curtain

Remembering how they once fell like rain

The mist takes shape

Clouding our reflection

Inking perfect vignettes 'round our shining faces

healed

2010-05-10T13:16:00.001-05:00

the ink bleeds deep
pressing into chapters - aching to be remembered
but the pages they turn
if not quickly, always surely
as black turns to blue
and night turns to sky
promises turn to memories
and memories turn to whispers
the last light flickers and fades

mute

2010-05-03T21:24:00.000-05:00

my eyes they see
my insides scream
your reputation covers me
and you ask me not to speak

i'll play the mute
i'll play this game
i'll follow lies with just a smile
i'll scream if only in my sleep

looking glass

2010-04-19T16:47:00.000-05:00

dear friend
theres a wind that blows
sweeping through your talk
blowing up our walk

my heart once held a rhythm
quick and easy - light and loving
but the song we sang now sits in silence
barely breathing beneath blinds drawn shut

and i wonder where you go when im not here
and you wonder where i go when youre still here
and we wonder where we lost the light
and if we let the sparks slip through our knowing fingers

but for now i yearn with every casual sigh
though the petals of optimism quickly fade
passing through your stone facade
the game grows stale 'neath our varnished gaze

hush

2010-04-17T14:42:00.001-05:00

i wake before my eyes do
to your presence at my side
your breath reassuring on my neck

slow and even, still and steady

your strength hugs me close, even in stillness
and i struggle to make this all an imprint
in the dark behind my eyes
in the space between slumber and awake
recall your scent - it feels at once of home & heartache

before your eyes snap open
and we'll retreat again to our respective sides of
this stubborn wall that looms between us

smooth and even, still and steady

promises

2010-04-08T00:53:00.000-05:00

It's a sunny day - a lovely day - a perfect day amongst perfect days. With a spring in her step and a warmth in her chest, today everyone deserves a smile.
And she needs her again, this warm-hearted friend. So she gives while the sun settles lower in the mist. And he needs her again, this ever-present friend. So she gives while her step settles for one bounce less. And they need her again, this tired-smiling friend. So she gives while her chin settles down into her chest.
And it's nighttime again. And the rain beats at her windshield. And the wind beats at her hair. And her heart beats a song that crescendos into the silent night. It swells, sustains, withers, falls. With all those to care for, who will care for me? The streetlights speak their monotonous reply - yellow... red... green... silent winks against the slick pavement.
But when she collapses into her lonely bed - tired, cold, and worn thin - she will remember... He is there for her. He will care for her. He will love her, rise the sun for her, coax a smile for her, warm her heart for her. She will remember Him and remember how to smile again.

heartsong

2010-04-07T00:22:00.000-05:00

whistles sing in alternating frequencies
hauntingly discordant - resounding in melodies
strings wear thin, rhythm skips two beats
swell to pool, if never to burst

to say

2010-03-30T17:08:00.001-05:00

she sets each flickering star on fire
one
two
wondering how many times they will die
& how many times she will have to nurse them to health
their flames burning bright to fall defeated once more

let the sparks fall like sand through their fingers
at another time they would hold on tight
but not this time
no, not this time

toss

2010-03-28T00:55:00.000-05:00

shivers of pearl kiss fiery night
mismatched fragments of slumber
at the remembrance of summer
while loneliness burns so bright

spring

2010-03-13T14:40:00.000-06:00

side by side in a nest of clever complications are we
branches disguised as loving arms hem us in, keep us within
but for mine own, they unearth views while crafting windows
for my eyes to seek, my heart to soar, my self to follow

- A. Landon

2010-03-08T00:41:00.000-06:00

Re: [love]

And it’s a hell of a lot better than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling happy and feeling whole.

cold

2010-03-02T03:02:00.001-06:00

the best part of winter
the first drops of red

stack them up
these bold felt lines
to feel the warmth of life again

runon&on

2010-02-26T15:29:00.003-06:00

its the way my head falls in your lap and my heart falls in your hand but how i could get lost in the contours&shadows of your voice though we laugh one last time and one last time and one last time and patterns of light fall on valleys i trace with memories of the last til i wake to the first and im sick with the thought of getting out of this mess mixed with the loss of being without

finding peace

2010-02-22T16:27:00.000-06:00

they call her artist
but her favorite works she'll never tell
loving strokes caress the canvas
hugging curves like secrets
pull down the curtains
and put on a smile
she'll go back tomorrow
silence screaming with whispers

Split Screen Sadness [John Mayer]

2010-02-22T08:04:00.000-06:00

One hand on the trigger of a telephone
Wondering when the call comes
Where you say it's alright
You got your heart right

"All you need is love" is a lie cause
We had love but we still said goodbye
Now we're tired, battered fighters

And it stings when it's nobody's fault
Cause there's nothing to blame at the drop of your name
It's only the air you took and the breath you left

So I'll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight

We share the sadness
Split screen sadness

2010-02-20T14:29:00.001-06:00

spinning sobbing
never stopping

cant get off this ride
& its making me sick

2010-02-15T00:55:00.001-06:00

carving rivers through clouds
to wake up stronger with the sun

in the words of john

2010-02-14T22:42:00.001-06:00

good to know its all a game
disappointment has a name
its heartbreak

drop her name
push it in and twist the knife again
you don't even watch my face
as i pretend to feel no pain

how come the only way to know how high you get me
is to see how far i fall
you told me, "God only knows how much i'd love you if you let me"
but now i'm breaking as you break through it all

wired and im tired
think i'll sleep in my clothes on the floor
or maybe this mattress will spin on its axis
and find me on yours

don't say a word just come over and lie here with me
cause im just about to set fire to everything i see
i want you so bad i'll go back on the things i believe
there i just said it - im scared you'll forget about me

but now that we are over as the loving kind
we'll be dreaming ways to keep the good alive
only when we want is not a compromise
i'll be pouring tears into your drying eyes

you used to whisper "come on over" cause you were two drinks in
but in the morning you always said goodbye again
think we'll never fall into the jealous game?
the streets will flood with blood of those who felt the same

all we've ever done is say goodbye
and now all im wishing for is hello

autumn

2010-02-05T20:28:00.001-06:00

Today, the first taste of autumn - the second most glorious day of the year (only bested by the first sweet taste of spring). The trees are ablaze with all the colors of the sun, and the air carries an edge that makes one feel alive with each felt breath.

By the lake there is a path lined with trees. And at the bend which unfolds to reveal the point where sky and water meet, she walks amongst the trees of gold. Her hands greet their broad, wise trunks with the touch of her fingertips.

A lone leaf falls like grace into her waiting palm. She studies its burnt reds and crisply delicate edges. She cups her hands around its fragile frame and she cries for she cannot make it right.

to the moon and back in under a year

2010-02-01T21:39:00.000-06:00

im just a complete and utter disaster
and this time without the side of beautiful
we flew but im falling fast
you can sing but im still avoiding cracks

new beginnings

2010-01-20T11:19:00.000-06:00

to live life without abandon
and to love with passion
to find beauty in the simple
and joy in the small
to love my sweet Jesus
and strive to reflect him in everything i am

i want them to remember
at the end of it all

for missing you

2010-01-18T01:34:00.000-06:00

your words
[when i find them]
still catch me by surprise

my breath a flutter in my chest

2009-12-23T21:35:00.001-06:00

i need You

studies

2009-12-18T17:17:00.000-06:00

losing myself in lyrics
to find myself in clarity
taste-testing semantics
suffice it to gravity

If It Kills Me : Jason Mraz

2009-12-17T23:02:00.004-06:00

Hello, tell me you know
Yeah, you figured me out
Something gave it away
It would be such a beautiful moment
To see the look on your face
To know that I know that you know now

And baby that's a case of my wishful thinking
You know nothing
Well you and I
Why, we go carrying on for hours on end
We get along much better
Than you and your boyfriend

Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me

How long, can I go on like this,
Wishing to kiss you,
Before I rightly explode?
This double life I lead isn't healthy for me
In fact it makes me nervous
If I get caught I could be risking it all

Cause maybe there's a lot that I miss
In case I'm wrong

If I should be so bold
I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand
I'd tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man
But I never said I would
I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again

All I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
If it kills me
I think it might kill me

And all I really want from you is to feel me
Yeah, the feeling inside keeps building
I'll find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
It might kill me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yj3w8Ukjcjk (1:15)

something's missing

2009-12-12T11:54:00.001-06:00

we drink coffee
though the words escape
and we sit in silence
there's none to say

we could live forever
i'll still find you here in this place
the broken strings play out
wisps of dreams that hurt to chase

every lyric speaks of you
and i could fill a novel
with the words i wish i said
and i cant get your voice out of my head
singing to remind me of what we could have had

but i just can't sing right now

2009-11-28T22:40:00.001-06:00

lets prove them wrong

free falling

2009-11-17T01:03:00.000-06:00

remember the days
when we would stay up all night
whispering secrets
beneath a canopy of green
when we would wake holding hands
the early dawn belonged to us
and to us alone
when we would sit for hours
losing ourselves in verses
finding ourselves in lyrics we learned to love

write our names in the sky
free falling we fly

the postal service

2009-11-13T11:31:00.002-06:00

you can find me here repeatedly
willingly led - blind to my better judgment
tempting to taste
too sweet to the tongue
and i want to stop in midair
where too long ive been falling
like the postal service
just so damn reliable
this is the sound of unsettling

the ocean

2009-10-04T22:05:00.003-05:00

coffee mug rings - and lingering scents
gone by morning - save gentle imprints
washed by the ocean - pulled by the tide
and somehow i feel - life is passing me by

vignette

2009-08-28T22:10:00.008-05:00

every cloud has a silver lining
and all silver will one day tarnish
as copper loses its will to oxidation - its shiny surface turning green and dusted.
and it brings me back to the third grade. mrs melbourn was my favorite teacher, ali gibbons was my best friend, and i had a crush on robbie - the aspiring actor who sat one row down two seats ahead of me. we had a visitor in class, we watched a movie with little animated dinosaurs and giant molars, we received free toothbrushes and bubblegum flavored floss, and alex curtis was the lucky kid who got permission from the teacher to not brush his teeth and chew the pink tablet and grin for us all to see. i still remember the dirty pink that clung to his teeth, a reminder that some kinds of dirt are invisible.
and i think of how just yesterday we sat together and laughed.
and we were so in love, we didn't even realize it was raining.

paper hearts

2009-08-04T22:53:00.002-05:00

do you remember when we were young
we sat on my living room floor cutting out delicate hearts of paper
you couldn't stop, you said, until you made the perfect one
the lopsided, the glue stained, the misshapen all fell
a wispy cloud of pink at our feet

you lay the final product of years of hard work into
my small cupped hands - trembling
oh it was perfect
lovingly shaped, patiently crafted
faintly worn in all the right places

i'll treasure it forever
alongside the others
they were all perfect to me

what the wizard told me

2009-08-03T01:00:00.003-05:00

the human heart
love, it's greatest ability
it's enemy? the world

hasn't anyone ever told you
death isn't the only thief?

life:
robs us of feeling.
steals away warmth.
are we to remain heartless?

yet life is too fragile to not love with all your might
that's what the wizard told me as morning faded into night

now i know i've got a heart
cuz it's breaking

you don't want to know me

2009-07-22T22:44:00.002-05:00

i'm not who you thought i was
shame on me for thinking that would make you proud
have i done nothing but kill myself to please you?
look at me
hear me out
feel my pain
taste my joy
know me
love me

lucky

2009-07-21T19:25:00.002-05:00

i never knew i could feel this way
this love
this much

he loves me - yes he does
and i'm the luckiest girl alive

question

2009-07-15T21:54:00.001-05:00

what do you do when the first thing you think when you wake up is:
why am i still alive?

unstoppable - keaton simons

2009-07-01T12:48:00.000-05:00

When I'm thinkin' of you my love
I feel like anything is possible
When you're back in my arms again
I know that we will be unstoppable

pink

2009-06-20T18:26:00.004-05:00

and i'll listen to our song
and smile cuz you told me to

while secret love notes
settle into their
familiar creases
soft edges
and faded ink
worn in all the right places

press it close
it smells of me
and i'll hold your tear
forever in the palm of my hand

irony

2009-06-12T16:53:00.001-05:00

God you're feeding my art.

i'll be sky

2009-06-06T12:17:00.004-05:00

play me a song
our favorite one
we'll dance the way we used to
sideways in a sea of green

the sunrise slips us secrets
with your touch, they're fading
memories waning
your voice left singing

so lets dance one last dance
set these memories alight
a breath to forget
send them into the night

so

2009-05-17T12:02:00.002-05:00

eye-s long forward
missteps toward
utopian surrender

dreams falling all around

wake up
wake up

i can see
and its killing me

not-so

2009-05-12T01:22:00.001-05:00

falling asleep to the sound of your voice
it lulls me into memories past
please let me live in this dream
just a little bit longer
i'm not ready to wake up

music our tie

2009-04-27T13:49:00.004-05:00

a loss of awareness
as time stood still
one glassy-eyed dove
at the windowsill
of a bleached-out
blanked-out
window into
what used to be me
and what used to be
you

spiral eternal
the stairs climb upwards
our two souls trapped
soaring upwards forever

addiction

2009-04-21T00:01:00.003-05:00

i hate that
i cant shake that
awful sticky molasses-y feeling

its been with me since
as long as
since before i
can even remember

every time i lift my head
take two steps
and fall right back

and i HATE that
i cant shake that
g-d awful draining dragging feeling...

wonder if i'll shake it
'fore ive spent so much time here
i'll lose all desire

to see the light

gets closer every time
wear my head low
and my eyes
shut
tight

looking for some peace of mind
can you give it to me?

spring

2009-04-15T11:23:00.002-05:00

and with the onset of this warm weather
or at least warmER
comes sunshine
laughter
bike rides
long nights
& summer melodies

like paramore & the rocket summer [ :) ]

do you feel?

linger

2009-04-08T16:56:00.002-05:00

i hate that you have this effect on me

why don't you want me
the way i want you

always left wanting
but i don't want to need
wanting to find
something substantial to feed
this hunger

damn i hate the way im wired
and how the tears won't come

i wonder if you still find me beautiful

Gio

2009-04-02T12:49:00.002-05:00

what good can i do in three days?

--one--
it begins with a tug on my tattered jeans, a pull on my hand, an overly hyperactive shout in my ear
Gio.
of course i'll help you write your letter to God. number 1 through 10? okay. now what do you want to tell God?
4 thank you's. 2 more. a moment of concentrated thought that lasts a bit longer than you would expect from an ADHD 8 year old.
do you want to ask God for anything?
another moment of thought before a decided "no" and 4 more thank you's

--two--
you pray like you're talking to a friend. you sing like you don't care who's listening. you sing like you want everyone to hear. you dance like only He can see you. you dance like no one, nothing can ever harm you. you dance like you have been saved. you laugh like you haven't a care in the world.
i cry.

--three--
running with no inhibitions..
straight. for. me.
for an 8 year old you sure can knock the wind out of a person
you're clinging, hanging, pulling, tugging
"we have to go NOW. upstairs! NOW! i have to do my reading! you have to come too! you HAVE to!"
and for an 8 year old you sure can be convincing
we make our way through the reading. you're a smart kid Gio. i tell you that.
you beam.
i tell you it's my last day. you hug me but you won't let go. you want to make it last, you say.
i want to make it last too

we smile. we wave. we hug. we hug again.
i hold my tears until my team and i stand outside to pray.

God, i doubted the work i can accomplish in three short days. and i am still unsure of what i have done, but doubt? i have none. in three short days YOU have done so much more in me than i ever dreamed possible.
may the tears now flow freely as my heart grows deeply

lessons learned from an 8 year old:
*though needing everything, you ask for nothing. may i always have such an attitude of thanksgiving.
*may i pray like i am talking to my best friend. may i sing and dance loudly, boldly, and with exceeding joy.
*may i run towards Him with no inhibitions
*may i love unconditionally

your choice

2009-03-19T15:35:00.005-05:00

doors closing behind
can't remember the last time
we walked this way
it's your choice babe

replacing spaces
retracing paces
with these new shoes
lighter
it's time to fly
higher

always picking up the pieces
but leave them he says
i want to sing this way
but it's your choice babe

can you hear me?

2009-03-12T02:02:00.001-05:00

in my moment of weakness
i reached for you

but you weren't there

breaking news

2009-02-24T21:18:00.002-06:00

i'm in love
with love
surrounded by lovers
surrounded by friends
i want them all
but i can only have one
and i should really need none

its true what they say
how i act in this way
stop staring
i dont judge you
okay i lied
actually i do

so where do i go from here?

dont read too much into this
its not meant to be deep

hypothetically speaking

2009-02-18T15:29:00.002-06:00

so listen. there's a situation. here's where i'm at.

so there's me. right? standing. a cramped and narrow hallway.

and i'm claustrophobic.

and i'm stuck between two doors. one closed. one open.. slightly. but here's the problem, right? there's always a problem. and the problem looks like this: both doors only open outwards. which means, i can't open one door without closing the other. so i cant have both doors open at once. and i can't escape. and if i were thinner i could somehow slip through. and if i were smarter i could engineer a way. and if i were more beautiful.. well that wouldn't really do a thing. but i'd be beautiful, so at least i'd have that.

but as it were. im none of those things. so im just stuck here, in between two closed doors. and where one door closes, another one opens..

but someone failed to tell me that opening that door required the closing of another.

our picture-perfect movie ending

2009-02-17T00:21:00.002-06:00

isn't that how it always goes?
though the world may pull us apart
we'll make it in the end
fighting at our ropes and chains
running through the rain
for our chance at forever
but this time it will be

do you think we could be them tonight?
just for this night

i made it through

2009-02-15T00:03:00.000-06:00

i hate myself for missing you.
our memories.
they're faded blue.

i'll tell you the real truth

2009-02-07T09:24:00.005-06:00

because i know you won't read this

when our hearts are breaking, i take comfort in the fact that we still know how to feel.

the truth is, if you could only know how my heart still flutters the moment you walk into the room. how my breath catches and i feel like everyone within a mile radius can see my heart beating out of my chest. you still have that effect on me.. but you know ive always been good at hiding

nothing makes me as nervous as the sound of your voice. and its your music i turn to when i miss you too much to bear. familiar melodies surround me and lull me to sleep with my arms wrapped tight around the final fading yet tangible memory you left for me.

i know you think im not trying. but the truth is, not having you has been one of the most difficult things i have ever had to endure. and it hurts.

and you're lying again. i havent got another one. ive tried looking but for now it seems as if nothing can replace what we once had. because the longer i live, the longer i know that what we had was real and nothing can take that away. passion doesn't strike up that fast for it to die out so soon. i sometimes think we knew we were killing ourselves by falling so hard... but i do know i wouldn't trade it for the world.

so i'll be here - wishing praying waiting - for the end.

your day

2009-02-04T15:29:00.000-06:00

are you dancing today
on this wonderful day
the sun is shining
and i think it's God's reminder
of your brilliant smile

i'm still missing you, beautiful girl

baby steps

2009-02-02T12:40:00.001-06:00

with a foot in both worlds
i take a step forward

with you holding my hand
i know i can stand

if you could only see

2009-01-29T19:43:00.002-06:00

if you could only see the way she loves you,
maybe you would understand

i see you
standing there
blank stare
heart bare
cold air

and im screaming at the top of my lungs
just trying to catch your attention
before i catch my breath

this cold air burns and bites
its bitter
so bitter

and im whispering at the tips of my toes
just trying to warm your ear
before warming your heart

open your ears:
you can hear me
near you
let me

open your eyes:
they're frozen shut
in the spring
you'll see

its been me all along
though you hurt me too
i'll still sing this song
i'm always dancing with you

and if you read nothing
read this:
in this bitter cold air
i care

familiarity

2009-01-25T01:39:00.003-06:00

dark notes scribbled on a page
crossed off
crumpled up
thrown out
and built back up
the notes fall between the lines
off the page
for your voice to catch
it breathes familiarity
and i smile at the tune
with eyes shining
heart held
constricted

you played our song
i would give anything to sing along

2009-01-24T01:14:00.000-06:00

now that i have you
is it you that i want?

eyes wide shut

2009-01-18T18:14:00.003-06:00

spinning spinning spinning
beautiful and broken
broken but beautiful
chaotic oblivion
rushing running dancing to
[the end]
of which there is none
a kaleidoscope of colors
explosion of the stars
dizzy and reeling
please. stop.

to all the people who said i couldn't

2009-01-17T11:29:00.001-06:00

well i did.

The One

2009-01-06T16:04:00.000-06:00

The One: epilogue

You are The One
The Only One
The never gonna leave me One
The really truly knows me One
The love that never fails me One
The holds my hand forever One
And i'll make you my only One
and trust you'll bring me to the one
you picked for me, my final one.

You are my one and only One.

The One Who Had To Leave

2009-01-05T22:24:00.000-06:00

The One: Part V of V

You were the one who had to leave
My beautiful mistake
My favorite accident
We fell in and out
quicker than we could catch our breath
Our hearts said yes, though the world said no
I begged you to stay, though we knew you should go
will you miss me too, like i miss you
will you stay - your lips give you away
will you say you’ll miss me one last time
oh how could you be saying goodbye

The One Too Perfect to Keep

2009-01-04T09:08:00.000-06:00

The One: Part IV of V

You were the one too perfect to keep
The one who could have been
who should have been
who would have been
The king of all my coulda shoulda woulda’s
if only I had let you in

To The One That Got Away

2009-01-03T14:42:00.000-06:00

The One: Part III of V

You were the one that got away
You were my missed chance
my game of push and pull
The one i wanted most
but only when you weren’t mine
I pushed you away when you were inconvenient
Only to find myself in the most inconvenient
state of being without you
Holding on to whatever remains
I suppose it’s time to let go

To The One I Forgot

2009-01-02T12:56:00.000-06:00

The One: II of V

You were the one I forgot
You were my silly little crush
my giggling tongue-tied blushing crush
paper hearts
with confessions of love
scribbled in pink
embellished in glitter
tucked away in a shoebox with lace and bows
tucked away and forgotten
i’m sorry i let it go for so long
i’m not sure i ever really loved you
but sometimes i stalk you on facebook
just to see what you’re up to
and who is loving you these days

To The One Who Broke My Heart

2009-01-01T22:56:00.001-06:00

The One: Part I of V

You were the one who broke my heart
You were all the words I never spoke
You were all my self-loathing
You were all my insecurities
You were all my questions doubts and fears
I loved you for so long
_ Years Later: my first free breath
better late than never

just don't

2008-12-26T23:42:00.002-06:00

we’re grasping at whispers
they’re slipping away
and the pieces are falling all round our heads
as you stare straight ahead
your words mean nothing and everything
the record is scratched
it replays the end the end the end
i wish i could replay the start
i press stop
and the whispers obey