letting go

i know now the decision was for the best. it’s been years since we were happy. it was time to move on. so it surprises me when i still catch myself thinking of you. it mostly comes at a reminder of what we once shared: a funny article written by allison brie, an awe-inducing video of the Local Natives, a minimalistic Nixon backpack, the new Bon Iver… all a part of me, but also a part of us. and i wonder if these things are all still a part of you.

i don’t miss you in an i still want you way. i miss you in a you enhanced my life way. because years from the moment we first met, i don’t remember or long for the kisses, the seemingly-too-short nights, the fights, the make-ups, the holding hands, the attraction, the “love”.. but i miss the stupid videos only we found funny. i miss the quotes, the inside jokes, the looks, the impressions, the laughs. i miss bagel bites, chipotle, and jamba juice. i miss your particularities and ocd tendencies. how you always scolded me for unknowingly draining my macbook battery or for not taking out my contacts early enough. i miss forcing you to take walks along the lake with me, and how much you hate the rain.

but most of all, i miss the music.

to this day, i have yet to meet someone to experience music like you do. you changed the way i listen to music - forever - and i miss the way you used to open my eyes and ears and soul to something you found extraordinary. you taught me to discover it for myself and in the moments when i sit, moved to tears by something so beautiful, i wish for that moment when i turn around to see you with that huge knowing grin on your face, and we sit together not saying a word, letting the music wash over us and fill us and overflow in and around every part of our being.

but now that it’s all said and done, i can say i am glad for the time our lives intersected - if only for a brief moment in time. i can continue on my own path with my eyes a little more open to experience all this world has to offer.. and that is a beautiful thing indeed. i hope you are still making music. and though i miss the half-bashful, half-can’t-wait-to-show-you-how-awesome-this-is way in which you would approach me with your latest song, the stillness and fullness of the moment in which you would begin to play, how you never failed to move me with the intricacies of your words and melodies, how proud i always was - and am - of your incredible talent… i want you to know that no matter what the world tells you on your imminent rise to success, you changed and moved this little heart with the music you create.

i am so glad you are happy. thank you for letting me go and giving me the freedom to find happiness for myself. i hope you stay happy. i hope you are loved. and i hope you continue to inspire.