emo(tional)

this weekend, one of the guys in my small group said his frat nickname was "thug-ass-[his last name]".. then one of the other guys said his frat nickname was "emo"..

which was really funny at the time.

i don't really think there's a problem with being emo. well yea. actually. i guess there is. i dont really believe in greasy hair and boys that wear tight girl pants. but then again, i don't really believe in showering either.. and ive had a good amount of fake-crushes on artsy type musical boys that wear tight girl pants.

so who am i to judge.

and plus. i don't believe people should be judged for showing their emotions. people say it makes you look weak. but i kind of think it makes you look strong. because only the strong are able to be vulnerable enough to show your emotions in public..

right?

truth is. i could care less about everything i just wrote. but i guess ive been screwed over at some point in my "happy past" and now im damned if i show anything but happy. but who wants a calloused and unresponsive heart that couldnt feel it if you stabbed it with a knife.

so the real truth is. i havent cried in years. minus that teary feeling you get before you actually cry. and i used to take pride in that cuz it meant i was stronger than you. ha. and the real truth is im one of the top 1% of this entire world and i am blessed i am blessed i am blessed. and the real truth is i am happy. but the real truth is i am afraid. i am insecure. i am ashamed. and i hate. but mostly only myself. and the real truth is i dont give a damn what you think. but the real truth is.. i do.

but i love how i feel when i read something good. like when you can just see the author's pain. and you can see the author's tears shining through the stark black and white of the page. and it makes you feel like you know what they're going through. even though you have no idea.

but if that's the only way i get to feel these days, then i'll take it.

cuz life's too short not to feel. and i'm too dumb not to care.